Essays, Art and Plays by Dan

Verse 1

Woke up before the rooster, put my lucky shirt on straight,
Woke up before the rooster, put my lucky shirt on straight,
Missed my flight by thirty seconds, watched that jet erase my fate.

I was runnin’ through the terminal, shoes untied and coffee flew,
I was runnin’ through the terminal, shoes untied and coffee flew,
Gate lady smiled and said, “Sir, that plane got tired of waitin’ on you.”

Chorus

My middle name is Almost, that’s the story of my life,
Yeah, my middle name’s Almost, cuttin’ butter with a plastic knife,
If bad luck was an Olympic sport, I’d bring home gold every night.

Verse 2

Found a lottery ticket crumpled under my Civic seat spring,
Found a lottery ticket crumpled under my Civic seat spring,
Checked the numbers at the gas station—could’ve bought a diamond ring.

Missed one digit on the Powerball, missed two on the daily draw,
Missed one digit on the Powerball, missed two on the daily draw,
The clerk said, “Man, that’s awful close.” I said, “Close don’t pay the law.”

Chorus

My middle name is Almost, that’s the story of my life,
Yeah, my middle name’s Almost, cuttin’ butter with a plastic knife,
If bad luck was an Olympic sport, I’d bring home gold every night.

Verse 3

Got a job sellin’ brushes door-to-door down on Maple Lane,
Got a job sellin’ brushes door-to-door down on Maple Lane,
Boss man vanished with the payroll, left a note sayin’, “Thanks again.”

Worked three weeks and seven Saturdays, never saw a nickel yet,
Worked three weeks and seven Saturdays, never saw a nickel yet,
Only thing I earned was tendinitis and a mountain range of debt.

Chorus

My middle name is Almost, that’s the story of my life,
Yeah, my middle name’s Almost, cuttin’ butter with a plastic knife,
If bad luck was an Olympic sport, I’d bring home gold every night.

Verse 4

Met a fortune teller downtown underneath a neon sign,
Met a fortune teller downtown underneath a neon sign,
She said, “Sir, your luck is changing.” Then the building lost all power lines.

Cards blew out the window laughing, crystal ball rolled down the floor,
Cards blew out the window laughing, crystal ball rolled down the floor,
She handed me back twenty dollars and said, “I can’t predict no more.”

Outro

So here’s to missed planes, flat tires, jobs that disappeared,
Lost tickets, wrong turns, and all the things I feared.
I’ve danced with disappointment from Memphis to Kalamazoo—
And if trouble’s lookin’ for somebody, it already knows what to do.

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Copyright©2026 Dan Campbell
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