THE POEM
jazz piano
the river glitters
with gulls
— Caroline Skanne
Presence 77, November 2023
MY CRITIQUE – That’s A Rap :
CRITIQUE OF A POEM BY A MERMAID, RAPPER AND PIRATE
Mermaid’s Critique
That’s a lovely image.
It reminds me of the way light dances across the surface just after dawn —
soft, silver, still unsure of itself.
It’s gentle, peaceful. And maybe that’s enough for some.
But I live beneath all that.
Down where the light fades and the stories don’t sparkle — they stir.
You ever watch a school of fish scatter when a shadow passes overhead?
That’s what I’m looking for.
Something with weight.
Something that pulls.
This poem touches the surface — but I want one that sinks.
Rapper’s Critique
Yo, I won’t lie — first line hits.
“The river glitters” — that’s tight. Visual. Got a rhythm to it.
And then “with gulls” — okay, I see it. I get the vibe.
But here’s the thing: I was waitin’ for a twist, a surprise,
something that flips the scene and makes you say damn.
Right now, it’s got mood — but not much motion.
Like a beat with no drop,
or a verse that builds but never punches through.
Still, credit where it’s due —
you said a lot with a little. That takes skill.
Just don’t stop there. Push it. Make it hit harder next time.
Pirate’s Critique
Aye… there’s a shine to these words, no doubt.
“The river glitters,” eh? A fine bit of paintin’ —
I can almost see the water stretchin’ quiet before a storm.
And the gulls… sky-scavengers, always watchin’,
waitin’ for the wreck. Feels real.
But me gut says this poem’s too polished.
It’s missin’ the churn, the danger —
the way the sea can turn sweet to savage in a blink.
Give me a line that smells like salt and smoke.
Make me feel like I’m standin’ on a deck that’s bucklin’ beneath me.
This one? It’s a pretty picture. But I want a story that leaves scars.
Essays, Art and Plays by Dan 
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